catastrophic complication

I don't know anyone who contradicts themselves more than i do.

I always run into stick awkward situations that i never know how to get myself out of.



Sometimes i believe the only thing that has kept me sane is music and i think that alot of people couldn't agree with me more about that.

definition pertaining to my blog title

Catastrophic:any misfortune, mishap, or failure;

Complication:a complex combination of elements or things.


A mishap and complex combination of misfortune elements.


Some people say things happen for a reason and i believe that to a certain extent.

75% of the shitty things that i've had happened to me have been my decision fully and i don't see how there would be a "reason" other than i've obviously fucked up in my life and have been learning from it.

actually i don't even know where i'm going with that because in the end it will just be a battle of contradicting myself.



As of right now my mind set has been pretty bad (you know this is you follow me on twitter)
I don't know if it's just pms or everything is just overwhelming me to the point where my mind is literally spinning out of control.

for the past two weeks i've been fairly reclusive, hardly talking to anyone, not going anywhere except work and home isolating myself because i feel like i can't handle anyone or more so, to be honest, they will not be able to handle me. I'd compare my emotions to a roller coast but that'd be an understatement, i'd say more like those rides that shoot straight up then fall back down and just bounce up down and ect, i think you get the point.

there is no medium, i'm either happy, pissed off or sad. there is no in between.



Moral of this blog is I probably need to start medicating myself because I'm fucking insane.

More In-depth about me

So basically that last post was more about what i do and am aspiring to do. Let you tell you about myself more in detail. This is fairly difficult for me since I normally keep to myself I rarely hang out with the same person for an extended period of time because I'm very socially awkward. Let's just put it this way, i'm really shy If you met me before and i wasn't well that may have been because I was intoxicated, i went on a heavy drinking spell there for a while and i've been cutting back significantly

If you got a bad impression of me, my apologies but I can't make you like me or take back that impression but I can honestly say that i'm a sincere person

I grew up in a conservative mormon family and I still have values..sort of .. ;)
Last February I had a relationship end after three years, we both knew it wasn't going to work out and prolonged it longer than it should have been but either way i learned alot.

I'm not good with relationships pretty much I can never get close enough to someone and I become uninterested or push those away that try to get to close. My walls are high and i've never fully given someone my heart, it is what it is and i'm working on letting myself get closer to people

Like i had said, its very hard for me to open up to anyone and makes me extremely nervous to even do this blog I really don't even know where to start and if it will actually take away the feeling of a heavy heart.
I feel extremely disconnected with myself for the most part. Some days are good, some days are terrible there really is no in between with me which is unfortunate

I want to be all i can but i tend to feel rushed a lot the days go by slow but its such a blur and the next thing i know it's tomorrow already..

I tend to jump around from subject to subject and i'm sorry about that, I used to keep a journal nobody read it but i always wrote in third person as if it wasn't pertaining to me as if I was almost denying the way i feel or maybe it was just in case someone happened to stumble upon it and just think it was poetry or something. I keep catching myself typing in third person and its really annoying actually haha.


Anyway, I really HOPE that this blog can relieve some weight from my chest and maybe fill this slight void I have developed over the years, it's always been there since i was a kid, i never really had a lot of friends and was always self-conscious and socially awkward. Always felt like no one liked me and spoke only when spoken to.


There's so much to say but I just really don't know where to start so I feel like i'm just kind of rambling eventually i'll be able to write about certain events in my life that i feel I should write about events that are very sensitive. Things I've only told to probably 10 people in my life I think by rambling it'll sort of help me ease into the more serious things that i've experienced, don't get me wrong I haven't had a terrible life there has been some things that i don't really speak of that some people haven't experienced..err i don't know where i'm going with this ha.

Pretty much i'm a cynical person to be honest i always expect the worst and have a very hard time trusting anyone


So there is a little more about me i'm trying to break myself into this blog thing and there will be more to come

About me.

So i just started blogging mainly for the reason that i need to rant and rave about things because whenever i get frustrated about something the first unfortunate person to text or call me gets the shit end of it.

I'm going to tell you a little bit about me, for one i work two jobs normally about 10-12 hour days and apparently i do not believe in days off they do not exist in my life for the most part. One of my jobs being I work for teleperformance providing technical supports, it really tries my nerves but i've been working there for almost a year and six months now it pays the bills..sorta.

My other job being i work for a local production company called VIP and i absolutely love it! I do post production for local business's webclips i also do concerts and anything that my boss takes on. I love editing it's a very strong passion of mine and i had intended to go to school for it in the bay area costing me roughly $40,000 okay fuck that, I'm getting basically all the hands on work i need and if i went to school i would be getting a job like the one I'm working now, except probably unpaid which is not the case for my current job which is very nice. either way i love what i do and I learn every day

My goal is to work my way up and make as much connections as i possibly can. I would most likely enjoy doing music videos the most but let's not get into that.


Basically i run into a lot of obstacles editing and i love it because it helps me grow as an editor but it also can be very frustrating.


Anyway enough about work, you'll be reading a lot about it anyway. i play soccer when i can i hang out with friends.


hopefully some of you that will read my blog will more understand me as a person because i am very guarded and i do some stuff that i never thought i'd do and to be frank i'm just kinda weird.


As for now though i should get back to work.