More In-depth about me

So basically that last post was more about what i do and am aspiring to do. Let you tell you about myself more in detail. This is fairly difficult for me since I normally keep to myself I rarely hang out with the same person for an extended period of time because I'm very socially awkward. Let's just put it this way, i'm really shy If you met me before and i wasn't well that may have been because I was intoxicated, i went on a heavy drinking spell there for a while and i've been cutting back significantly

If you got a bad impression of me, my apologies but I can't make you like me or take back that impression but I can honestly say that i'm a sincere person

I grew up in a conservative mormon family and I still have values..sort of .. ;)
Last February I had a relationship end after three years, we both knew it wasn't going to work out and prolonged it longer than it should have been but either way i learned alot.

I'm not good with relationships pretty much I can never get close enough to someone and I become uninterested or push those away that try to get to close. My walls are high and i've never fully given someone my heart, it is what it is and i'm working on letting myself get closer to people

Like i had said, its very hard for me to open up to anyone and makes me extremely nervous to even do this blog I really don't even know where to start and if it will actually take away the feeling of a heavy heart.
I feel extremely disconnected with myself for the most part. Some days are good, some days are terrible there really is no in between with me which is unfortunate

I want to be all i can but i tend to feel rushed a lot the days go by slow but its such a blur and the next thing i know it's tomorrow already..

I tend to jump around from subject to subject and i'm sorry about that, I used to keep a journal nobody read it but i always wrote in third person as if it wasn't pertaining to me as if I was almost denying the way i feel or maybe it was just in case someone happened to stumble upon it and just think it was poetry or something. I keep catching myself typing in third person and its really annoying actually haha.


Anyway, I really HOPE that this blog can relieve some weight from my chest and maybe fill this slight void I have developed over the years, it's always been there since i was a kid, i never really had a lot of friends and was always self-conscious and socially awkward. Always felt like no one liked me and spoke only when spoken to.


There's so much to say but I just really don't know where to start so I feel like i'm just kind of rambling eventually i'll be able to write about certain events in my life that i feel I should write about events that are very sensitive. Things I've only told to probably 10 people in my life I think by rambling it'll sort of help me ease into the more serious things that i've experienced, don't get me wrong I haven't had a terrible life there has been some things that i don't really speak of that some people haven't experienced..err i don't know where i'm going with this ha.

Pretty much i'm a cynical person to be honest i always expect the worst and have a very hard time trusting anyone


So there is a little more about me i'm trying to break myself into this blog thing and there will be more to come