We're all broken hearted

I haven't blogged in a while maybe it's because i've been busy or maybe it's because I'm too scared to even open up on the damn internet, who knows..

I'll start by updating my legal situations

basically I was on probation (supervised) for two years so (a fight I got into when I was 18) two months prior to getting off probation, i did something really fucking stupid, i went and got myself a DUI, which along with the charges of my DUI i got two probation violations, one for the DUI and one for a positive UA for alcohol a year prior. I must like the taste of being in the system because I manage to keep myself in it. Luckily for me i got off fairly easy, with the probation violations I got 4 days with options which i choose to do SILD then with the DUI I got 9 days (consecutive to the 4 days) of SILD a year of probation (unsupervised which should be a cake walk for me) and 850 dollars in fines. Finically this is fucking me hard but I am living and learning, along with all this bullshit, I've decided to quit drinking not only am i legally obligated to but also because I manage to get myself in trouble by drinking too much making an ass out of myself or fighting. I'm done with it for now I just want to get on the right track and alcohol is severely prohibiting that.

So there's that... I've been up and down a lot lately mostly down, not necessarily sad but just completely pissed off for so many reasons I cannot pin point the exact reason why i'm upset, then anxiety sets in and i'm a mess. I constantly remind myself deep breaths vanessa just deep breaths then drown my world with music clear my mind try to push everything out. I don't want to push everything out anymore it's the way i've been living my whole life, pushing my woes into the back of my mind until they fester and burn a hole in my heart, but it's so much easier pushing then aside then actually opening up those wounded memories. I don't really know what to do really i don't want to go there and i don't want just anyone knowing what's going on in my head and my heart it's so hard for me to even post this... therefore for now i'm going to change the subject and focus on my anger, I'm angry at people, I'm angry about how low people can stoop how I've been treated like complete shit in the last year and how I'm done with it then it happens again. I ask myself constantly how and why I put myself into these situations and it all goes back to the fact that I'm a glutton for attention but in all honesty who isn't? The real question is where is the line drawn? Then the self doubt settles in who am I? Why am I doing this? Am I really worth it because obviously i'm not if i'm getting treated like this right? of course this doesn't last very long because i'm a strong person I deal with this the only way I know, anger. I'm angry. Yes i said it I'M ANGRY AS HELL actually. Can you really trust anyone these days? I know it's been said so many times and a lot of people get betrayed we're human but I'm doubtful of almost anything anyone ever says and I never go to anyone to talk about whats going on with me because I don't want to bother anyone. I used to be the go to girl for advice and i'm all about being there for friends it never bothers me but for some reason I feel I would bother others by opening up. I hate being vulnerable. I'd rather be alone then hurt. In the end it all boils down to me being a strong person and a weak person at the same time then add too much pride into the mix. It may not make sense to you but it makes complete sense in my head.

I'm all over the place because i'm avoiding what is really bothering me deep down I wish it were easy for me to do that but exposing my self esteem or lack there of would make me feel weak but the fact of the matter is i'm broken and I don't know how to fix me. Which is another reason i quit drinking. I lost myself again I told myself i wouldn't do it again either because it's so hard to find my way back then it is to get lost. I just feel so defeated sometimes, I have such high goals and there are so many things holding me down I'm easily discouraged but at the same time i will NOT quit I will do whatever it takes to get to where I want to be, the fact of the matter is that I'm being pulled down but all this emotional turmoil that it is affecting my goals and motivation some people might say to maybe consider some sort of prescription drug BUT that's not going to happen the last time i tried that in high school I had a grand mal seizure due the medication i was currently on, not to mention it was while I was in chemistry class hence the "chemistry" tattoo on my stomach. A lot of people get uncomfortable when i tell them that or maybe it's me that is uncomfortable talking about it but there you have it. Talk about a really embarrassing experience in my life although if I had the choice I wouldn't take that experience out of my life (maybe at a different location) it was..interesting.. you might say that's the best way to describe it.

So anyway, I've always taken it upon myself to sort out my problems and doubts but it starts to wear on me therefore the best I can do now is blog about it but as for now I am done.