Okay so I decided to blog about my dreams to keep track of them.
The other night I dreamt about being a waitress type person at a professional baseball game, I was nervous and I ended up fucking something up, my punishment you ask? I had to get the shit kicked out of me by 4 in the middle of the stadium while thousands of people watch the 4 people tried not to beat me too bad but they had to for some unknown reason. After the beating I was sent back to work, (i was humiliated in the dream) then i ran into Brett Michaels who i was serving in the vip area, he felt bad but said it was my own fault for fucking up and was glad i accepted the punishment.
Okay so last night, I dreamt that i was back in my old high school, I knew it was my old one because most of the same people were in in (unfortunately) that i went to high school with even though it didn't look the same. So for some reason it was dark when i left which I cannot recall why, but either way I caught the bus barely, I had to chase it for a while. Then we ended up going outside of Nampa excatly the wrong direction that I live, so we stop at a chevron with a mcdonalds so I think i'll just call my mom and get some food while I wait, well some guy cut in line then expected me to pay for his food, which is fucking stupid and is the end of my dream from what I recall
I'm sure that's not the end of my dreams because whenever i'm stressed my dreams are fairly vivid. The way they were interpreted anyway tell me i'm a fucking nutcase
...more to come i'm sure
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
We're all broken hearted
I haven't blogged in a while maybe it's because i've been busy or maybe it's because I'm too scared to even open up on the damn internet, who knows..
I'll start by updating my legal situations
basically I was on probation (supervised) for two years so (a fight I got into when I was 18) two months prior to getting off probation, i did something really fucking stupid, i went and got myself a DUI, which along with the charges of my DUI i got two probation violations, one for the DUI and one for a positive UA for alcohol a year prior. I must like the taste of being in the system because I manage to keep myself in it. Luckily for me i got off fairly easy, with the probation violations I got 4 days with options which i choose to do SILD then with the DUI I got 9 days (consecutive to the 4 days) of SILD a year of probation (unsupervised which should be a cake walk for me) and 850 dollars in fines. Finically this is fucking me hard but I am living and learning, along with all this bullshit, I've decided to quit drinking not only am i legally obligated to but also because I manage to get myself in trouble by drinking too much making an ass out of myself or fighting. I'm done with it for now I just want to get on the right track and alcohol is severely prohibiting that.
So there's that... I've been up and down a lot lately mostly down, not necessarily sad but just completely pissed off for so many reasons I cannot pin point the exact reason why i'm upset, then anxiety sets in and i'm a mess. I constantly remind myself deep breaths vanessa just deep breaths then drown my world with music clear my mind try to push everything out. I don't want to push everything out anymore it's the way i've been living my whole life, pushing my woes into the back of my mind until they fester and burn a hole in my heart, but it's so much easier pushing then aside then actually opening up those wounded memories. I don't really know what to do really i don't want to go there and i don't want just anyone knowing what's going on in my head and my heart it's so hard for me to even post this... therefore for now i'm going to change the subject and focus on my anger, I'm angry at people, I'm angry about how low people can stoop how I've been treated like complete shit in the last year and how I'm done with it then it happens again. I ask myself constantly how and why I put myself into these situations and it all goes back to the fact that I'm a glutton for attention but in all honesty who isn't? The real question is where is the line drawn? Then the self doubt settles in who am I? Why am I doing this? Am I really worth it because obviously i'm not if i'm getting treated like this right? of course this doesn't last very long because i'm a strong person I deal with this the only way I know, anger. I'm angry. Yes i said it I'M ANGRY AS HELL actually. Can you really trust anyone these days? I know it's been said so many times and a lot of people get betrayed we're human but I'm doubtful of almost anything anyone ever says and I never go to anyone to talk about whats going on with me because I don't want to bother anyone. I used to be the go to girl for advice and i'm all about being there for friends it never bothers me but for some reason I feel I would bother others by opening up. I hate being vulnerable. I'd rather be alone then hurt. In the end it all boils down to me being a strong person and a weak person at the same time then add too much pride into the mix. It may not make sense to you but it makes complete sense in my head.
I'm all over the place because i'm avoiding what is really bothering me deep down I wish it were easy for me to do that but exposing my self esteem or lack there of would make me feel weak but the fact of the matter is i'm broken and I don't know how to fix me. Which is another reason i quit drinking. I lost myself again I told myself i wouldn't do it again either because it's so hard to find my way back then it is to get lost. I just feel so defeated sometimes, I have such high goals and there are so many things holding me down I'm easily discouraged but at the same time i will NOT quit I will do whatever it takes to get to where I want to be, the fact of the matter is that I'm being pulled down but all this emotional turmoil that it is affecting my goals and motivation some people might say to maybe consider some sort of prescription drug BUT that's not going to happen the last time i tried that in high school I had a grand mal seizure due the medication i was currently on, not to mention it was while I was in chemistry class hence the "chemistry" tattoo on my stomach. A lot of people get uncomfortable when i tell them that or maybe it's me that is uncomfortable talking about it but there you have it. Talk about a really embarrassing experience in my life although if I had the choice I wouldn't take that experience out of my life (maybe at a different location) it was..interesting.. you might say that's the best way to describe it.
So anyway, I've always taken it upon myself to sort out my problems and doubts but it starts to wear on me therefore the best I can do now is blog about it but as for now I am done.
I'll start by updating my legal situations
basically I was on probation (supervised) for two years so (a fight I got into when I was 18) two months prior to getting off probation, i did something really fucking stupid, i went and got myself a DUI, which along with the charges of my DUI i got two probation violations, one for the DUI and one for a positive UA for alcohol a year prior. I must like the taste of being in the system because I manage to keep myself in it. Luckily for me i got off fairly easy, with the probation violations I got 4 days with options which i choose to do SILD then with the DUI I got 9 days (consecutive to the 4 days) of SILD a year of probation (unsupervised which should be a cake walk for me) and 850 dollars in fines. Finically this is fucking me hard but I am living and learning, along with all this bullshit, I've decided to quit drinking not only am i legally obligated to but also because I manage to get myself in trouble by drinking too much making an ass out of myself or fighting. I'm done with it for now I just want to get on the right track and alcohol is severely prohibiting that.
So there's that... I've been up and down a lot lately mostly down, not necessarily sad but just completely pissed off for so many reasons I cannot pin point the exact reason why i'm upset, then anxiety sets in and i'm a mess. I constantly remind myself deep breaths vanessa just deep breaths then drown my world with music clear my mind try to push everything out. I don't want to push everything out anymore it's the way i've been living my whole life, pushing my woes into the back of my mind until they fester and burn a hole in my heart, but it's so much easier pushing then aside then actually opening up those wounded memories. I don't really know what to do really i don't want to go there and i don't want just anyone knowing what's going on in my head and my heart it's so hard for me to even post this... therefore for now i'm going to change the subject and focus on my anger, I'm angry at people, I'm angry about how low people can stoop how I've been treated like complete shit in the last year and how I'm done with it then it happens again. I ask myself constantly how and why I put myself into these situations and it all goes back to the fact that I'm a glutton for attention but in all honesty who isn't? The real question is where is the line drawn? Then the self doubt settles in who am I? Why am I doing this? Am I really worth it because obviously i'm not if i'm getting treated like this right? of course this doesn't last very long because i'm a strong person I deal with this the only way I know, anger. I'm angry. Yes i said it I'M ANGRY AS HELL actually. Can you really trust anyone these days? I know it's been said so many times and a lot of people get betrayed we're human but I'm doubtful of almost anything anyone ever says and I never go to anyone to talk about whats going on with me because I don't want to bother anyone. I used to be the go to girl for advice and i'm all about being there for friends it never bothers me but for some reason I feel I would bother others by opening up. I hate being vulnerable. I'd rather be alone then hurt. In the end it all boils down to me being a strong person and a weak person at the same time then add too much pride into the mix. It may not make sense to you but it makes complete sense in my head.
I'm all over the place because i'm avoiding what is really bothering me deep down I wish it were easy for me to do that but exposing my self esteem or lack there of would make me feel weak but the fact of the matter is i'm broken and I don't know how to fix me. Which is another reason i quit drinking. I lost myself again I told myself i wouldn't do it again either because it's so hard to find my way back then it is to get lost. I just feel so defeated sometimes, I have such high goals and there are so many things holding me down I'm easily discouraged but at the same time i will NOT quit I will do whatever it takes to get to where I want to be, the fact of the matter is that I'm being pulled down but all this emotional turmoil that it is affecting my goals and motivation some people might say to maybe consider some sort of prescription drug BUT that's not going to happen the last time i tried that in high school I had a grand mal seizure due the medication i was currently on, not to mention it was while I was in chemistry class hence the "chemistry" tattoo on my stomach. A lot of people get uncomfortable when i tell them that or maybe it's me that is uncomfortable talking about it but there you have it. Talk about a really embarrassing experience in my life although if I had the choice I wouldn't take that experience out of my life (maybe at a different location) it was..interesting.. you might say that's the best way to describe it.
So anyway, I've always taken it upon myself to sort out my problems and doubts but it starts to wear on me therefore the best I can do now is blog about it but as for now I am done.
Friday, January 15, 2010
California
For my birthday I went to california (not just for my birthday but i won't go into it)
Basically I had a blast but on my birthday I did get really drunk and made a fool of myself one of the many many reasons i have decided to stop drinking for a while I just can't be happy right now with alcohol in my life so i'm cutting it out plus i had far too many other addictions and alcohol seems like the easiest one to dismiss BUT before my birthday I had the most amazing time in venice with my friends Doug and Sean
Then on Monday we tried to go to Magic Mountain unfortunately they are close because its "winter" winter my ass it was like a good high sixties!
Then tuesday night Doug and I went into Santa Monica and had dinner with my cousin and a sushi place it was happy hour (score) $4 dollar large sake $7 huge roll $4 california roll and i'm all set. Then after dinner my cousin Doug and I went to a bar and grill in Venice right on the board walk called the Whaler it was awesome I saw my cousin Colby for the first time in probably ten years and he was a riot. We also drove past my great grandma Cambells house which is literally two blocks from the board walk, we also drove along the canals at dark and you could see the moon reflecting off the water and the boots oh goodness it was awesome.
We then went to a bar in Santa Monica called renee's where my cousins Doug and I met up with some of their friends, this bar reminded me of the red room but better one for obvious reasons is it was in california and two i don't really know how to explain it but it was so much fun alot of my cousins friends were there and it was so awesome AND it was 2 for 1 drinks
I had a really good time even though some shit went down but I understand.
It's really hard to explain everything but the pictures are really the best
I plan on going back to California and stay in Santa Monica and then go to San Diego for the first time with my Cousin for the weekend. Probably in the next couple months.
I really wish i could have gotten more pictures but that means i'm just more obligated to go back.
Basically I had a blast but on my birthday I did get really drunk and made a fool of myself one of the many many reasons i have decided to stop drinking for a while I just can't be happy right now with alcohol in my life so i'm cutting it out plus i had far too many other addictions and alcohol seems like the easiest one to dismiss BUT before my birthday I had the most amazing time in venice with my friends Doug and Sean
Then on Monday we tried to go to Magic Mountain unfortunately they are close because its "winter" winter my ass it was like a good high sixties!
Then tuesday night Doug and I went into Santa Monica and had dinner with my cousin and a sushi place it was happy hour (score) $4 dollar large sake $7 huge roll $4 california roll and i'm all set. Then after dinner my cousin Doug and I went to a bar and grill in Venice right on the board walk called the Whaler it was awesome I saw my cousin Colby for the first time in probably ten years and he was a riot. We also drove past my great grandma Cambells house which is literally two blocks from the board walk, we also drove along the canals at dark and you could see the moon reflecting off the water and the boots oh goodness it was awesome.
We then went to a bar in Santa Monica called renee's where my cousins Doug and I met up with some of their friends, this bar reminded me of the red room but better one for obvious reasons is it was in california and two i don't really know how to explain it but it was so much fun alot of my cousins friends were there and it was so awesome AND it was 2 for 1 drinks
I had a really good time even though some shit went down but I understand.
It's really hard to explain everything but the pictures are really the best
I plan on going back to California and stay in Santa Monica and then go to San Diego for the first time with my Cousin for the weekend. Probably in the next couple months.
I really wish i could have gotten more pictures but that means i'm just more obligated to go back.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
catastrophic complication
I don't know anyone who contradicts themselves more than i do.
I always run into stick awkward situations that i never know how to get myself out of.
Sometimes i believe the only thing that has kept me sane is music and i think that alot of people couldn't agree with me more about that.
definition pertaining to my blog title
Catastrophic:any misfortune, mishap, or failure;
Complication:a complex combination of elements or things.
A mishap and complex combination of misfortune elements.
Some people say things happen for a reason and i believe that to a certain extent.
75% of the shitty things that i've had happened to me have been my decision fully and i don't see how there would be a "reason" other than i've obviously fucked up in my life and have been learning from it.
actually i don't even know where i'm going with that because in the end it will just be a battle of contradicting myself.
As of right now my mind set has been pretty bad (you know this is you follow me on twitter)
I don't know if it's just pms or everything is just overwhelming me to the point where my mind is literally spinning out of control.
for the past two weeks i've been fairly reclusive, hardly talking to anyone, not going anywhere except work and home isolating myself because i feel like i can't handle anyone or more so, to be honest, they will not be able to handle me. I'd compare my emotions to a roller coast but that'd be an understatement, i'd say more like those rides that shoot straight up then fall back down and just bounce up down and ect, i think you get the point.
there is no medium, i'm either happy, pissed off or sad. there is no in between.
Moral of this blog is I probably need to start medicating myself because I'm fucking insane.
I always run into stick awkward situations that i never know how to get myself out of.
Sometimes i believe the only thing that has kept me sane is music and i think that alot of people couldn't agree with me more about that.
definition pertaining to my blog title
Catastrophic:any misfortune, mishap, or failure;
Complication:a complex combination of elements or things.
A mishap and complex combination of misfortune elements.
Some people say things happen for a reason and i believe that to a certain extent.
75% of the shitty things that i've had happened to me have been my decision fully and i don't see how there would be a "reason" other than i've obviously fucked up in my life and have been learning from it.
actually i don't even know where i'm going with that because in the end it will just be a battle of contradicting myself.
As of right now my mind set has been pretty bad (you know this is you follow me on twitter)
I don't know if it's just pms or everything is just overwhelming me to the point where my mind is literally spinning out of control.
for the past two weeks i've been fairly reclusive, hardly talking to anyone, not going anywhere except work and home isolating myself because i feel like i can't handle anyone or more so, to be honest, they will not be able to handle me. I'd compare my emotions to a roller coast but that'd be an understatement, i'd say more like those rides that shoot straight up then fall back down and just bounce up down and ect, i think you get the point.
there is no medium, i'm either happy, pissed off or sad. there is no in between.
Moral of this blog is I probably need to start medicating myself because I'm fucking insane.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
More In-depth about me
So basically that last post was more about what i do and am aspiring to do. Let you tell you about myself more in detail. This is fairly difficult for me since I normally keep to myself I rarely hang out with the same person for an extended period of time because I'm very socially awkward. Let's just put it this way, i'm really shy If you met me before and i wasn't well that may have been because I was intoxicated, i went on a heavy drinking spell there for a while and i've been cutting back significantly
If you got a bad impression of me, my apologies but I can't make you like me or take back that impression but I can honestly say that i'm a sincere person
I grew up in a conservative mormon family and I still have values..sort of .. ;)
Last February I had a relationship end after three years, we both knew it wasn't going to work out and prolonged it longer than it should have been but either way i learned alot.
I'm not good with relationships pretty much I can never get close enough to someone and I become uninterested or push those away that try to get to close. My walls are high and i've never fully given someone my heart, it is what it is and i'm working on letting myself get closer to people
Like i had said, its very hard for me to open up to anyone and makes me extremely nervous to even do this blog I really don't even know where to start and if it will actually take away the feeling of a heavy heart.
I feel extremely disconnected with myself for the most part. Some days are good, some days are terrible there really is no in between with me which is unfortunate
I want to be all i can but i tend to feel rushed a lot the days go by slow but its such a blur and the next thing i know it's tomorrow already..
I tend to jump around from subject to subject and i'm sorry about that, I used to keep a journal nobody read it but i always wrote in third person as if it wasn't pertaining to me as if I was almost denying the way i feel or maybe it was just in case someone happened to stumble upon it and just think it was poetry or something. I keep catching myself typing in third person and its really annoying actually haha.
Anyway, I really HOPE that this blog can relieve some weight from my chest and maybe fill this slight void I have developed over the years, it's always been there since i was a kid, i never really had a lot of friends and was always self-conscious and socially awkward. Always felt like no one liked me and spoke only when spoken to.
There's so much to say but I just really don't know where to start so I feel like i'm just kind of rambling eventually i'll be able to write about certain events in my life that i feel I should write about events that are very sensitive. Things I've only told to probably 10 people in my life I think by rambling it'll sort of help me ease into the more serious things that i've experienced, don't get me wrong I haven't had a terrible life there has been some things that i don't really speak of that some people haven't experienced..err i don't know where i'm going with this ha.
Pretty much i'm a cynical person to be honest i always expect the worst and have a very hard time trusting anyone
So there is a little more about me i'm trying to break myself into this blog thing and there will be more to come
If you got a bad impression of me, my apologies but I can't make you like me or take back that impression but I can honestly say that i'm a sincere person
I grew up in a conservative mormon family and I still have values..sort of .. ;)
Last February I had a relationship end after three years, we both knew it wasn't going to work out and prolonged it longer than it should have been but either way i learned alot.
I'm not good with relationships pretty much I can never get close enough to someone and I become uninterested or push those away that try to get to close. My walls are high and i've never fully given someone my heart, it is what it is and i'm working on letting myself get closer to people
Like i had said, its very hard for me to open up to anyone and makes me extremely nervous to even do this blog I really don't even know where to start and if it will actually take away the feeling of a heavy heart.
I feel extremely disconnected with myself for the most part. Some days are good, some days are terrible there really is no in between with me which is unfortunate
I want to be all i can but i tend to feel rushed a lot the days go by slow but its such a blur and the next thing i know it's tomorrow already..
I tend to jump around from subject to subject and i'm sorry about that, I used to keep a journal nobody read it but i always wrote in third person as if it wasn't pertaining to me as if I was almost denying the way i feel or maybe it was just in case someone happened to stumble upon it and just think it was poetry or something. I keep catching myself typing in third person and its really annoying actually haha.
Anyway, I really HOPE that this blog can relieve some weight from my chest and maybe fill this slight void I have developed over the years, it's always been there since i was a kid, i never really had a lot of friends and was always self-conscious and socially awkward. Always felt like no one liked me and spoke only when spoken to.
There's so much to say but I just really don't know where to start so I feel like i'm just kind of rambling eventually i'll be able to write about certain events in my life that i feel I should write about events that are very sensitive. Things I've only told to probably 10 people in my life I think by rambling it'll sort of help me ease into the more serious things that i've experienced, don't get me wrong I haven't had a terrible life there has been some things that i don't really speak of that some people haven't experienced..err i don't know where i'm going with this ha.
Pretty much i'm a cynical person to be honest i always expect the worst and have a very hard time trusting anyone
So there is a little more about me i'm trying to break myself into this blog thing and there will be more to come
About me.
So i just started blogging mainly for the reason that i need to rant and rave about things because whenever i get frustrated about something the first unfortunate person to text or call me gets the shit end of it.
I'm going to tell you a little bit about me, for one i work two jobs normally about 10-12 hour days and apparently i do not believe in days off they do not exist in my life for the most part. One of my jobs being I work for teleperformance providing technical supports, it really tries my nerves but i've been working there for almost a year and six months now it pays the bills..sorta.
My other job being i work for a local production company called VIP and i absolutely love it! I do post production for local business's webclips i also do concerts and anything that my boss takes on. I love editing it's a very strong passion of mine and i had intended to go to school for it in the bay area costing me roughly $40,000 okay fuck that, I'm getting basically all the hands on work i need and if i went to school i would be getting a job like the one I'm working now, except probably unpaid which is not the case for my current job which is very nice. either way i love what i do and I learn every day
My goal is to work my way up and make as much connections as i possibly can. I would most likely enjoy doing music videos the most but let's not get into that.
Basically i run into a lot of obstacles editing and i love it because it helps me grow as an editor but it also can be very frustrating.
Anyway enough about work, you'll be reading a lot about it anyway. i play soccer when i can i hang out with friends.
hopefully some of you that will read my blog will more understand me as a person because i am very guarded and i do some stuff that i never thought i'd do and to be frank i'm just kinda weird.
As for now though i should get back to work.
I'm going to tell you a little bit about me, for one i work two jobs normally about 10-12 hour days and apparently i do not believe in days off they do not exist in my life for the most part. One of my jobs being I work for teleperformance providing technical supports, it really tries my nerves but i've been working there for almost a year and six months now it pays the bills..sorta.
My other job being i work for a local production company called VIP and i absolutely love it! I do post production for local business's webclips i also do concerts and anything that my boss takes on. I love editing it's a very strong passion of mine and i had intended to go to school for it in the bay area costing me roughly $40,000 okay fuck that, I'm getting basically all the hands on work i need and if i went to school i would be getting a job like the one I'm working now, except probably unpaid which is not the case for my current job which is very nice. either way i love what i do and I learn every day
My goal is to work my way up and make as much connections as i possibly can. I would most likely enjoy doing music videos the most but let's not get into that.
Basically i run into a lot of obstacles editing and i love it because it helps me grow as an editor but it also can be very frustrating.
Anyway enough about work, you'll be reading a lot about it anyway. i play soccer when i can i hang out with friends.
hopefully some of you that will read my blog will more understand me as a person because i am very guarded and i do some stuff that i never thought i'd do and to be frank i'm just kinda weird.
As for now though i should get back to work.
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